Since this is my first blog I guess I should introduce myself. My name is LaRonda Carson and I am an incest survivor. I was raised in Newark, NJ, and I am the oldest of 11 children. My mother had my sister and I by my father, and the other children by my stepfather, I will call him T.
When I was in the 5th grade my mother was hospitalized for a long time. It was between 6 months to a year because she had tuberculosis (caught it from my uncle that lived with us and had died from TB). The time my mother was not home, my stepfather started coming in my room at night and would fondle me. This went on until I was about 17 and drew up the courage to tell him "if you touch me again, I am going to tell." I was afraid when I said that, but I also felt powerful. He never touched me again.
Because my mother had 11 children, I was always afraid if I told someone, that because she was not working, that we would all be split up because she would not be able to afford to take care of us.
I never told any one until after my mother's death; I felt free to tell because my mother could not get hurt. I always thought she probably knew, but I will never know definitely unless someone tells me that she told them she knew.
I lived all my life afraid of the dark, having to sleep facing the bedroom doors, and occasionally have nightmares of my stepfather and him trying to have sex with me.
The
Night Creeper
Pinned
up against the wall and body swaddled up real tight
Trying
not to be touched, lived in fear every night
Planned
to stay up all night on guard against the Night Creeper
He’s
sure to come as he always does, I became a silent weeper
Ma’
knew how he was but she didn’t protect her kid
I
don’t know if she knew, but she acted like she did
Mixed
love/hate feelings for me, like I was some chick off the street;
Ma,
I don’t want your man, ain’t my fault he likes your child
I
carried so much anger inside me behind my fake smile
Didn’t
know who to turn to, like living with the Grim Reaper
Still
today no silent nights because of the Night Creeper
